I could argue we're past the point of that actually mattering, but instead I go quiet, trying to calm my own racing heart. I want to feel elated -- I should feel elated -- but my sudden bout of lightheadedness can't be attributed to being happy. This is a disaster. We're not even married. Jesus Christ, I'm on the run. How am I supposed to be there for a child when I can't even get my own life into order?
I try to find comfort in her touch, but I'm too preoccupied with how clammy my skin is to take advantage. My mind drifts to a conversation I had years ago with Karen, the two of us in bed. She'd asked me when I would stop running out into the night, stop playing at superhero, and I'd told her when we have a child, and she said.... She said...
'I'll take care of our child and you make sure there's some sanity out there for our child to grow up in.'
How much sanity have I really put out in the world since that conversation? Since she died at the hands of one of my enemies?
"I'd stopped considering it an option a long time ago," I reply, finally, because Ellen's right. We haven't talked about this, or any other number of things, and now all those conversations we should've had are catching up to us. "Do you--?"
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Date: 2013-05-09 08:17 pm (UTC)I try to find comfort in her touch, but I'm too preoccupied with how clammy my skin is to take advantage. My mind drifts to a conversation I had years ago with Karen, the two of us in bed. She'd asked me when I would stop running out into the night, stop playing at superhero, and I'd told her when we have a child, and she said.... She said...
'I'll take care of our child and you make sure there's some sanity out there for our child to grow up in.'
How much sanity have I really put out in the world since that conversation? Since she died at the hands of one of my enemies?
"I'd stopped considering it an option a long time ago," I reply, finally, because Ellen's right. We haven't talked about this, or any other number of things, and now all those conversations we should've had are catching up to us. "Do you--?"