[for Natalya]

[manwithoutfear]

The bed is cold and Zeus is whimpering.

I try to stay asleep, denial of the inevitable a powerful motivator. As long as I don’t wake up, I can convince myself this is just a dream. Ellen is awake in the next room, feeding the baby. Zeus is upset because she closed the door behind her, trapping him inside with me. The comfort of dreaming makes the lie sound too much like the truth. My heart doesn’t even skip a beat, it’s so convincing.

But then Alex starts to cry — starts to shriek — for his mother, and the illusion is shattered within the space of two breaths.

I ought to be angry. I ought to shout and scream and try to find someone to hit, because there’s always someone to hit. Instead I swallow down all the hurt and fear, and get out of bed to take care of a screaming infant.

I get Alex through the usual morning routine, the dog glued to my side all the while. I don’t have the heart to push him away. I’m numb, body on autopilot while my mind checks out, and as long as he’s not under my feet, he can stay there.

She left me with our six-month-old son and her damn dog. She just left. The idea strikes me as absurd hours later, and I start to laugh, a big, belly laugh that bounces off the walls, filling my ears with incredulity, and I’m still laughing when there’s a knock at the door.

Comments

[blonderussianspy]

Natalya had only hesitated a moment before rapping her knuckles on the door. She could hear Matt laughing, but nothing else, and there was an edge to it, a tone that sounded an alarm bell in her mind. She frowned and gave it a moment, then opened the door and stepped in, Ahimsa peering politely around her and then waiting outside as Natalya took a few steps into the front room.

"Matt?"

[manwithoutfear]

"You're still here!"

I sound delighted to my own ears, bordering on deranged, but I figure it beats the alternative. A growl sits low in Zeus' throat (that damn wolf of hers must be at the door) and I snap my fingers to pull his attention back to me.

[blonderussianspy]

"Yes," she replied evenly, stepping further in, scanning the room for any sign that another person was there. Her heartbeat was painful in her chest and her stomach had dropped. She walked over until she was close enough to offer Zero her palm as always, standing near enough to Matt to touch him, but refraining from doing so.

"Who else is not?"

[manwithoutfear]

My mouth stretches too wide, hurting at the corners as I grin in her direction. I'm dimly aware of Alex starting to fuss in his playpen to my right, and I reach down on instinct to smooth a hand over his soft, warm hair.

"You get one guess."

[blonderussianspy]

After a quick reaffirming squeeze to Zeus' muzzle, Natalya finished crossing to Matt and knelt, feeling the familiar, sick, bubbling up sensation of panic cut with incredulity and helplessness.

"People sometimes disappear to other parts of the island. I will look."

[manwithoutfear]

I laugh again, pulling off my glasses to pinch the bridge of my nose. I hear them clatter onto the wooden floor a moment later. My hands are shaking.

"You really think that's it? Really?"

[blonderussianspy]

She didn't, not for a second, but Matt was on the verge of snapping. Or collapse.

"I do not know," she murmured, and lifted her hands to slowly clasp them over Matt's.

"I fear it is not. But still, we will look."

[manwithoutfear]

I suck in a breath and force myself to nod. I turn my hands, palm up, to hold Natalya's.

But I know the truth and I imagine she does, as well.

"All right."