[for ellen]

[manwithoutfear]

I'm being followed.

It's a feeling I haven't been able to shake for weeks. A creeping paranoia that sits on my shoulder like a weight... I hear things. The inexplicable sound of traffic. The percussion of rainfall against asphalt. The soft rush of fabric of a Hand ninja come by to visit. Yet every time I go looking for the source, I'm met with the lush jungle of Tabula Rasa. A wild animal. A crack of thunder overhead.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Almost everyone I've grown close to in this place has disappeared over a period of a few weeks, and I'm beginning to worry that they ever existed in the first place. If they weren't just... Delusions of some kind. No more real than the phantoms that've haunted me for the better part of this year. Then I wonder if these aren't just the nightmares that everyone's talking about. If I'm not just another victim...

But I'm not afraid of New York. I'm not afraid of the dangers that come from being at home... Going back wouldn't be a nightmare at all, it'd be a relief, and yet--

There it is again. I stop in my tracks, straining my ears to see if I can't catch the son of a bitch, but I've got bigger problems that need my attention. Because I can't just operate on the notion that none of this real, not without checking on one of the few people who's still left to me...

"Ellen!" I shout, wasting no time to pound on her door. If I'm one of the victims, who knows what'll crawl out of the recesses of my mind tomorrow. I've lost too many lovers to my enemies. "Ellen, it's Matt-- I'm coming in."

Comments

[shewaswarned]

Zeus is who alerts her to the presence of a newcomer first, lifting his head from a sleeping repose and cocking it slightly to one side. Ellen glances up from her book seconds before the sound of someone pounding on her front door answers the question hovering on her lips, the familiar voice following seconds later. Her growing dog is up on his feet, tail wagging excitedly as he stares at the front door and back to her expectantly, waiting for her to walk over and open it. She sets her book down, gently nudging him aside with her knee as she opens the door to see Matt looking as frantic as he sounds.

"What's wrong?" she asks, stepping back to give him space to enter. Zeus knows similarly by now and sniffs tentatively before giving them both a wide berth, half-circling with curiosity.

[manwithoutfear]

I haven't told her. There's so much I haven't told her. My past as a vigilante is only the very tip of a very strange and twisted iceberg, and that's the only part of myself I've felt up to sharing. A name. A costume. Nothing important (like that I might be going crazy). The few times she's caught me after -- what? An episode? -- I've lied, brushed it off as nothing.

And now it's crunch time and I'm not so sure it's just nothing anymore.

At her question, I can't help but laugh, pushing a hand back through my hair. It's greasy with sweat. I've been running a while.

"Tomorrow."

[shewaswarned]

It's only when she steps back to take a look at him, after he comes inside, that she realizes he's dripping with sweat. He's either just come for a run or he's been running, and those aren't necessarily the same thing.

"What about tomorrow, Matt? What's tomorr - " The reality sinks in as an answer to her question; she breaks off mid-thought and looks over at him. She's heard stories about the way Halloween goes here, but she isn't sure how that's going to play out for her personally - or anyone she knows.

[manwithoutfear]

"I don't know," I admit in a rush. I'm light-headed... Can barely focus my thoughts in any sensible direction. I've felt this way before, years ago now. That prickling sense of paranoia. I used to be a difficult man to sneak up on, but now...?

"Halloween, obviously, but-- You'll need to get somewhere safe. New Atlantis has a shield--"

[shewaswarned]

"Shhh. Just wait, just breathe for a second." It doesn't feel like he's even bothered to sit down in the last few hours, much less since he's walked in the front door, and Ellen's hand slides up to his arm, then sweeps up to cup his cheek, feeling the chill of a cold sweat on his skin.

"Look, if - if you say that something's going to happen, I believe you." Matt's nothing if not level-headed, and any fear or paranoia he might be experiencing isn't something that just happens without a catalyst.

[manwithoutfear]

"There's plenty evidence to suggest it will, I just-"

I don't know if I'm one of the affected. I don't fit the criteria. The Hand? The Yakuza? What's there to fear when I've beaten them before? Even without my powers, I never stopped training. If I was seeing Bullseye or Fisk, maybe I could buy it, but even fearing my worst enemies would be giving them a power over me -- a power I would never let them have.

Ellen's hand is warm, the lingering smell of soap filling my nose with something other than my own sweat. I stop. Breathe it in. Try to relax.

"-it doesn't matter."

[shewaswarned]

"I believe you," she whispers, taking advantage of the reduced space between them to try and tone the conversation down even as she feels him pause for a second, attempt to release some more of the energy he'd brought in here with him. Her fingers gently brush over his face.

"Let me get you a towel or something. You're drenched," she adds, a little louder, moving to step away. Zeus has resumed his spot curled up next to her chair and plops his head down on his paws, eyes blinking silently.

[manwithoutfear]

"Sorry," I murmur, not even sure she'll hear it, let alone what I'm apologizing for. I ought to sit down, I realize when she steps back, but I don't particularly want to. I stay on my feet.

"Ellen?"

[shewaswarned]

She looks over at him, halfway through the motion of reaching for a towel, and visibly frowns - not just at the question of her name but the way he utters it.

"What is it?" she asks, returning to him, pressing the towel into his hands.

[manwithoutfear]

I don't answer for a long moment, still debating (always debating) whether or I should tell her, trust her. I don't like admitting weakness. That damn ego of mine gets in the way at the best of times, but when I'm on the brink of potential disaster, it kicks into overdrive. I'm overreacting, surely. Nothing will happen tomorrow, not to me...

But what if? I can't not tell her.

"You'll need to stay away," I say, finally. "From me.... Tomorrow."

[shewaswarned]

"What?"

She doesn't take a step back, but the statement gives her enough pause to make her start as she tips her head back to let her gaze seek his face, a deeper frown line settling in between her brows.

"Matt, if you know that something is going to happen tomorrow - just tell me. Please." There's not a lot left about her that he doesn't know, and she'd tell him if he asked. Secrets form a dividing line, and the longer they stay buried, the wider the line becomes.

[manwithoutfear]

"I don't," I'm quick to say, wanting to reassure her (wanting to reassure myself). "Not for sure, at least, as far as I'm concerned. It's just these past few months, I've heard--"

But it's more than just hearing. I've smelled, too. Tasted New York air.

I find myself shaking my head, an old habit.

"It's like my senses have been playing tricks on me. Just now, I thought I was being followed, but there've been other instances... Times I've thought I was walking down a street in Manhattan, or-- Hearing an old enemy's voice. But I'm not afraid of those things, and all of the reports, the warnings... They say it's nightmares that are coming to life, and I'm not afraid of any of those things, Ellen, I swear to God."

[shewaswarned]

"I believe you," she whispers, her gaze continuing to roam over his face. She knows herself, all too well, that a thread of denial can run deeper than anyone wants to admit to themselves, but she doesn't get the sense that this is what's at play here. He seems so intent on it that this can't be attached to a deeper thing. Can it?

"Nightmares, or just a place you'd rather not be?" she asks, curling her fingertips around the outside of his hand.

"I've been there. There have been moments where I hear something, and it's enough to take me right back to the city - or a dream that feels so real right before I wake up."

[manwithoutfear]

"Except I'm awake," I point out. It's not the same.

"And New York is my home. More than this place will ever be." If anything, Ellen's the closest thing I have to my old life. A fellow lover of the law in a lawless place. "It just doesn't make any damn sense."

[shewaswarned]

"When has anything about this place ever made sense?" Ellen asks, a genuine question tinged with a small amount of amusement and a little despair as she shakes her head.

"I almost feel like I'd worry if it started to make sense."

She glances down, gives his hand a squeeze.

"What do you need me to do?"

[manwithoutfear]

"Get some place safe. Tonight. Don't take any chances and wait 'til the morning," I say, linking our fingers together. It might be too late if she waits for midnight to strike. Who knows when all the mayhem is due to start.

"...and--" My breath catches. I don't want to say this part, but I know I must. "Stay away from me. At least until the 1st, once all of this has passed."

[shewaswarned]

"What do you mean? It won't be safe here?"

What fills her with the most dread is that it sounds like he's not even certain what's going to happen, and if that's the case - maybe he's right in telling her she needs to make herself scarce when whatever this is starts to go down.

[manwithoutfear]

"...it might not be," I say, careful, so careful to keep things in terms of maybes, not wanting to admit to anything either way. It could all be fine, but the other possibility is just as likely.

"Please, Ellen. Better to be safe than sorry."