[for ellen]

[manwithoutfear]

I'm being followed.

It's a feeling I haven't been able to shake for weeks. A creeping paranoia that sits on my shoulder like a weight... I hear things. The inexplicable sound of traffic. The percussion of rainfall against asphalt. The soft rush of fabric of a Hand ninja come by to visit. Yet every time I go looking for the source, I'm met with the lush jungle of Tabula Rasa. A wild animal. A crack of thunder overhead.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Almost everyone I've grown close to in this place has disappeared over a period of a few weeks, and I'm beginning to worry that they ever existed in the first place. If they weren't just... Delusions of some kind. No more real than the phantoms that've haunted me for the better part of this year. Then I wonder if these aren't just the nightmares that everyone's talking about. If I'm not just another victim...

But I'm not afraid of New York. I'm not afraid of the dangers that come from being at home... Going back wouldn't be a nightmare at all, it'd be a relief, and yet--

There it is again. I stop in my tracks, straining my ears to see if I can't catch the son of a bitch, but I've got bigger problems that need my attention. Because I can't just operate on the notion that none of this real, not without checking on one of the few people who's still left to me...

"Ellen!" I shout, wasting no time to pound on her door. If I'm one of the victims, who knows what'll crawl out of the recesses of my mind tomorrow. I've lost too many lovers to my enemies. "Ellen, it's Matt-- I'm coming in."

Comments

[manwithoutfear]

I don't answer for a long moment, still debating (always debating) whether or I should tell her, trust her. I don't like admitting weakness. That damn ego of mine gets in the way at the best of times, but when I'm on the brink of potential disaster, it kicks into overdrive. I'm overreacting, surely. Nothing will happen tomorrow, not to me...

But what if? I can't not tell her.

"You'll need to stay away," I say, finally. "From me.... Tomorrow."

[shewaswarned]

"What?"

She doesn't take a step back, but the statement gives her enough pause to make her start as she tips her head back to let her gaze seek his face, a deeper frown line settling in between her brows.

"Matt, if you know that something is going to happen tomorrow - just tell me. Please." There's not a lot left about her that he doesn't know, and she'd tell him if he asked. Secrets form a dividing line, and the longer they stay buried, the wider the line becomes.

[manwithoutfear]

"I don't," I'm quick to say, wanting to reassure her (wanting to reassure myself). "Not for sure, at least, as far as I'm concerned. It's just these past few months, I've heard--"

But it's more than just hearing. I've smelled, too. Tasted New York air.

I find myself shaking my head, an old habit.

"It's like my senses have been playing tricks on me. Just now, I thought I was being followed, but there've been other instances... Times I've thought I was walking down a street in Manhattan, or-- Hearing an old enemy's voice. But I'm not afraid of those things, and all of the reports, the warnings... They say it's nightmares that are coming to life, and I'm not afraid of any of those things, Ellen, I swear to God."

[shewaswarned]

"I believe you," she whispers, her gaze continuing to roam over his face. She knows herself, all too well, that a thread of denial can run deeper than anyone wants to admit to themselves, but she doesn't get the sense that this is what's at play here. He seems so intent on it that this can't be attached to a deeper thing. Can it?

"Nightmares, or just a place you'd rather not be?" she asks, curling her fingertips around the outside of his hand.

"I've been there. There have been moments where I hear something, and it's enough to take me right back to the city - or a dream that feels so real right before I wake up."

[manwithoutfear]

"Except I'm awake," I point out. It's not the same.

"And New York is my home. More than this place will ever be." If anything, Ellen's the closest thing I have to my old life. A fellow lover of the law in a lawless place. "It just doesn't make any damn sense."

[shewaswarned]

"When has anything about this place ever made sense?" Ellen asks, a genuine question tinged with a small amount of amusement and a little despair as she shakes her head.

"I almost feel like I'd worry if it started to make sense."

She glances down, gives his hand a squeeze.

"What do you need me to do?"

[manwithoutfear]

"Get some place safe. Tonight. Don't take any chances and wait 'til the morning," I say, linking our fingers together. It might be too late if she waits for midnight to strike. Who knows when all the mayhem is due to start.

"...and--" My breath catches. I don't want to say this part, but I know I must. "Stay away from me. At least until the 1st, once all of this has passed."

[shewaswarned]

"What do you mean? It won't be safe here?"

What fills her with the most dread is that it sounds like he's not even certain what's going to happen, and if that's the case - maybe he's right in telling her she needs to make herself scarce when whatever this is starts to go down.

[manwithoutfear]

"...it might not be," I say, careful, so careful to keep things in terms of maybes, not wanting to admit to anything either way. It could all be fine, but the other possibility is just as likely.

"Please, Ellen. Better to be safe than sorry."